There’s a question I’ve been asking myself for a couple of years now. It’s not that I want to know, but I need to. It’s like it’s been haunting me since I’ve become aware of the world around me. And the thing in my case is, I’ve become aware of the world around me before even becoming aware of myself. I’ve been dissociated for so long, living in a survival mode, without even knowing. I’ve been repeating the same patterns, mistakes, decisions; I’ve been choosing the same stories, the same characters, the same suffering along with those crumbles of hope to keep me going. One day, I stopped for a moment. When my heart stopped for a moment and forced me to follow her lead, that question popped up, like a unicorn at the end of a rainbow. Yes, unicorns only exist if you believe in them. Yes, rainbows exist even if you never saw one.
Anyways, that question keeps me up at night. When I think I can finally answer and get through with it, there’s another layer I uncover that makes me doubt I have the right answer. What’s so peculiar about that question, you’ll ask me? That question is the root of my being, of my life, of my purpose. Until I am able to answer that question, I’ll just wander around testing the waters in an attempt to unravel the mystery.
Who am I? Who am I, really? The true, uncovered, simple, authentic Delia? Who am I, behind every aspect of my life? Who am I, despite my ups and downs, my job and my hobbies, my way of speaking and my ways of staying silent, despite my ambitions and resignations, despite my forgivings and acceptances? Who am I, outside my mind and inside my heart, outside this external world and inside my inner one, behind my spoken or unspoken words?
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I am not gonna lie, I don’t know. I don’t know who I am. But I’m on my way there. All I know now is that I am my own hero, my own home, my own strength, and my own vulnerability, I am my own beginning after I’ve been my own ending for so many years. It’s time to rise. I’m on my way.
I fell in love with this song for a reason. I thought it spoke about someone who’s gonna come my way. I had no clue I was singing it for myself. I am gonna come my way. I am on my way to me.