Part 1. I grew up not knowing who I was

I was taught to dim my light
and keep it locked in the corner of my heart
I was taught to stay quiet
and shape me according to their patterns
I was taught that I was weak
and helpless
sometimes not enough,
other times too much
I was taught to be ashamed of not belonging
I was taught to silence my inner voice
and only repeat their words
as my truth
I was taught to fear the unknown
to fear risks
to choose others over me
and prioritize their needs over my own

Part 2. I grew up wanting to scream

I grew up believing something was wrong with me
since I could not adjust to their needs or wants
I tried, I did try so hard
but there was something inside me
rebelling, fighting

I grew up with an internal conflict
wishing to be like someone else: 
an easy-going person, not so conscious,
ignorant, simple
thinking maybe it would all be easier for me

I grew up wanting to break away
leave the prison called “home” behind
just find those wings they hid from me
put them on my back
spread them and fly the hell away

I grew up always looking for myself
in other people’s eyes
Waiting for their approval, validation,
their acceptance
measuring my worth based on if they loved me
not understanding that their inability to love
had nothing to do with me

Part 3. I grew up to be what I am today

I grew up far away from myself
fighting for the freedom to find me:
the one they never recognized
the one they rejected
the one they feared

But now

Now I’ve decided
to embrace my imperfection
to accept that I may be too much for some people

Still

I am going to let my light shine freely
I am not going to shrink to fit anyone’s low standards
I am not going to apologize for always choosing me

I am one hell of a woman
I am full of life, passion, and love
I am both strong and delicate
But more than that
I am true to myself
And I am not going to apologize for that
delia Poems

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